I Feel So Incredibly Guilty

By Jodi (March, 1998)

I really need to talk about this because I feel so incredibly guilty. I have 3 sons. With my first son I didn't know about not circumcising boys and took him to the Dr. at 6 days old to have it done with NO anesthesia! (Makes me sick to my stomach to think that I let it happen.)

With baby #2, I still didn't know very much and had talked to my husband about it a little bit. He insisted on getting him circumcised. [Our son] had a local [pain reduction] and didn't even cry so it wasn't very traumatic for me. (Can't say what it was like for my poor baby.) (But I still feel really guilty about it.)

With baby #3, I had read everything there was and KNEW I didn't want to get him circumcised. My husband, on the other hand, insisted, since the other two were circumcised.

We argued about it for weeks.

Finally, the day came and we went into the Dr.'s office for [our son's] 1st visit. The Dr. handed me a release form which I quickly thrust at my husband because I would have NOTHING to do with ok-ing a circ.!. (I was in tears at this point and nobody even acknowledged it...probably figured I was going through some hormonal thing.)

I still remember my husband carrying my baby- whom I should have fought harder to protect- into that room and being strapped onto that awful board. [My son] cried from the moent they laid him on that thing. I sat in the waiting room sobbing; I still cannot forgive myself for not running up to my husband, grabbing the baby, and saying, "You are NOT going to let them hurt him!!!!!".

This scenario has played through my head time and time again and I just can't let it go. When my husband brought the baby to me, he (the baby) was sobbing and couldn't even nurse. That was the only time I have hever let him stay in my arms while driving. I wasn't about to strap him in his carseat after that torture! He nursed all the way home until he finally fell asleep.

I am so afraid to have another baby for fear that it will be a boy and that I will lose the battle once more. I think I would be a stronger person, though.

Well thanks for listening. I really needed to get it off my chest. My baby is 9 months and it feels as if [his circumcision] were yesterday.

See "Jodi" for another account of the same

Return to Mothers' Stories