I Am So At Peace With This Baby

By Dorin (December, 1999)

Hello. My name is dorin and I'm a stay-at-home-mom to a wonderful son named Blake who's 2.5. Unfortunately, when he was born we had him circ'd. I was totally against it but my husband insisted, so I let them do it.

The day he was born, Blake was a peaceful child who was very alert and didn't cry at all, just very calm and content. He was circ'd the next day and his whole demeanor changed. He was very irritable and obviously in pain and traumatized.

Another regret of mine is that I didn't have him anesthetized. When I asked my doctor about it, she said that she had 3 sons who were circ'd and it was no big deal and that it was actually worse if they recieved anesthetic. I trusted my doctor's opinion, but have since learned that I should have authorized pain relief.

I was not well informed at all and now have to live with knowing what I did to my son. I have had serious guilt, ever since this happened. The more I read on the subject, the worse I feel. I made the wrong decision because I was not educated on the subject, but I can't seem to get over the grief. My son has no clue as to what I did. I act like nothing is wrong and my husband and I are very open with him about his body. I did, however, write him a letter telling him how sorry I am for what I did and I plan on giving it to him when he's older. I just can't seem to shake this grief! I know I will never forgive myself and it will be something that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

These feelings have taken a hold of me again because we are expecting another boy in March. I seriously cried when I found out that we were having another boy because I knew that I was going to have to make this decision again. The good news is that my husband and I are NOT going to hurt this baby too!!! I'm so at peace with this baby now because I know that he will not have to go through what my other son has. This has lifted a huge weight off of me and I feel so happy about having another boy.

I'm not worried about them being different because my husband and I are very open about things and will have no problems discussing this issue as soon as it's necessary. I'm sure my son will ask right away and I'm prepared to be open and honest. He is very much a part of this pregnancy and is thrilled to meet his new brother. I'm so happy that I don't have to lie awake at night crying because I have to do something I don't want to do.

My husband is very supportive this time since he's seen what I have gone through with our son and we have agreed to leave our next son intact. I really feel as if this is not my decision to make and I'm so glad that I don't have to do it again. Unfortunately, I just can't get over what happened to my other son. I am so upset with myself for letting this happen to him. I love this child more than I can express and to think that because of my ignorance he had to go through such a traumatic experience right after he was born. I am supposed to protect him, not harm him. This is so hard for me to deal with I think I should be in therapy! Does anyone have any advice on how to forgive myself for this or at least to dull the pain? Has anyone been through this and had the same feelings? It really makes me sick sometimes.

Thanks for listening if you've gotten this far! Just reading the other posts lets me know that I am not alone and that we will not be the only family with boys who are different. I know I'm making the right decision this time, thank goodness! I just wish I would have made the right decision the first time.

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